I did not realize I underwent FGM. Well, I know you must be wondering how that is possible but I assure you I really did not know and I am ashamed for that. Most often when we talk about shame in FGM, we are referring to the humiliation that a victim feels having underwent this dehumanizing act. But can we talk about the shame that is associated with victim guilt, some of us who never opposed the act, that were misguided and actually ‘wanted’ to undergo FGM because we did not know it was wrong.
There is a lot of shame attached to FGM but my shame is different. I blame myself because I actually wanted it. I feel like maybe it was my fault because heck! I was tired of being ridiculed and being called immature by peers because I was the only one that had not become a ‘woman, it was unknown for a girl my age to be uncut. I was just a young girl that wanted to fit in. I was tired of the ridicule and mockery. It is a social norm that has been passed down from generation to generation with unquestioned belief and was told it is for my well-being as a girl.
One holiday, I was in class six and we had gone to visit my grandmother. My grandmother sat us besides the fireplace and told us that that we had a visitor tomorrow and we were going to become big girls. To say I was elated will be an understatement. Finally! The shame and ridicule were going to stop. I want to be kind to myself but I despise myself sometimes because how could I consider a distortion of my womanhood something to be proud of. I am sure many of us who are survivors can relate. Being sprawled on that table, I remember thinking; if it is a good thing, why does it feel invasive, why is it painful, is it necessary? It is supposed to be a good thing but why do I feel dehumanized?
Why take a part of me for me be considered whole?